You know my name but not not my story ♥♥

January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 December 2010 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 October 2011 November 2011 May 2012 August 2012 February 2016

It's been years since I've last seen nor heard from you... It's been really terrible but I keep moving.. Moving around aimlessly without moving on... All those memories... All those laughter.. All those times.... I just couldn't bear to part with it... I was wrong... I was dumb... You were always there beside me even tho I was a mess... You picked me up pieces by pieces and patch me up good... But I guess this clueless idiot couldn't see what was coming and made an irrational decisions for he was a completely clueless idiot...

Now as I'm roaming around aimlessly.. I picked up a hobby.. Camera is my new hobby.. I like it a lot.. It keeps me distracted enough to distant myself from all of the memories... Even as I've a new girl... I still can't love her the way I do with you and for you... I'm just silently dragging myself along her side.. As long as she's happy, I'll support her through what ever may come... It's one sided but this broken pieces can't be fix anymore.. Pieces and pieces of me lingers in our memories.. I couldn't even threw your stuffs... It's all in safely kept in my bag.. The bag that you gave me.. I guess I'm a sucker for sentiments..

All those late night drinking and partying, still the feelings persists.. Something is always missing from everything that I do.. You are the first person I opened up to and now this heart has closed it's door.. Now a days I'm always at home doing photo editing for a wedding company.. Even when I'm free, I'm home. Kept everything to myself as always... Nothing new.. I figured that I'll broke up with the new girl soon cos it seems to be what I do best.. Throw away everything when everything is a mess and turn my world upside down just to figure out what is the next step to solving the equations to the problems... Also I can't keep up the charades with her anymore... She's a very naive girl.. Kind... thoughtful.. Helpful.. Innocent.. Tough but soft on the inside.. She'll hate me for it..

Everything is just to distract me from my memories of us.. Cos in all honesty..
 It's really just you inside my heart..

As all this is being said.. I knew you are happy and wished you all the best.. I'll be fine as always.. I'm always fine..

Life is a joke.. and the joke is on me this time as the mistake will always be mine..

Everything was so simple back then..

Cheers
The guy who always gets it wrong.

Would eu have supported me just as eu did for him? No right. Then why must I do what eu want first then I do what I want? I op to move out because I can't stay there with eu without fighting and arguing... I don't want the riches that eu have, all I want is to be me! Regardless if I'm clumsy, I spill food all over, make a mess, trip over stuffs, and it's obvious that I don't have it all together but I like it this way. It's called being me!I don't give 2 fucks if other people have it all together or they have the best of things. I'm me, take me as I am or the whole fucking world wont get me. So what if I don't do well in school... It's just school, not life... I may not be successful in education and career but atleast I'm sucessful in life... Eu all count on me, my friends count on me, strangers trust me without question... So where's the flaw in that? Ya, eu always have to bring me down, cut me into pieces until it affects me and the people around me... But not once did I ever walked out on eu.. Cos eu are my family...I don't give up on my family... but now... I don't see things the way they are anymore... I'm always reading into eur words... Eu think I have fun in that? I can't and won't be who eu want me to be... I just want to be me... I grew up to early... Let people say that I'm childish, boring, fucked up and a mess. I don't care. I'm happy as long as I get to be me.... If only eu know... I'm sick of the argument, sick of the reasoning and sick of the lies... I want to be able to walk up to eu and just day the truth, say what I feel and share my stories... But I guess that will never happen... All of my stories will be lock up inside of me...

When i use to see you name appear on my phone i'd get so excited:) Seeing you was the highlight of the week and knowing you were mine was the greatest feeling in the world. But then things changed. We changed. I went to Uni and got busier. I didnt have much time to spend with you. I didnt have much energy to play with you and I didnt have enough patience to take a joke. but i still tried very hard to balance everything. I guess that was the start of everything. I knew deep in my heart we were strong. that we could get through anything and I believed it when you said you would never leave me. But then I found out you were not really sure if you loved me anymore. For months before you weren't sure. So then I thought to myself, " all the times you said you love me too, then they were all lies?" Don't i deserve to know? We could have talked it out. But i guess all this was something that would have and could have happen. You wanted space and time but you didnt have the guts to say it straight to my face so I forced myself to give it to you. In that time, I knew, it was over, it was just a matter of time. I wanted to not believe it. But i knew i will never happen. that you will never come back to fight for me the way I did when I almost lost you to that girl. Because you have lost all fight left in you, even to fight for me. It takes two hands to clap in a relationship, and what's the point of me being there when you don't want me too.  In the end, you really did broke it off. 

Hey... I can't do this anymore... I guess I know how eu felt when I was like this... I guess I understand how much I've hurt eu... This waiting thing is killing me... For someone like me to feel this... Is really really not normal... I've never regret anything more than this... I now know how eu've felt... And I really appreciate every single things eu've done for me... I will forever cherish and treasure those memories... I understand that eu don't want to be hurt anymore... But I can't say that I won't hurt eu again... And I can't promise that if eu find another one, he won't hurt eu like how I did or worse... But I can promise eu this... If eu take me back, I won't hurt eu like this again... I hope that's enough... I know it's not much but it's the best I can do for now... I... I just sucks... I know... And I also know that I'm an asshole... I don't really know what the hell I'm typing but it's what's in my heart... I guess.... I just really really miss eu... But I don't want to disturb eu.... So if eu ever have a chance to read this... Know that I truly did love eu.... I'm really really sorie that I let eu go.... And my reason was stupid... No matter what I said and throw at eu, eu are always by my side... I know it's not easy to be with me... Sorie for all the stunts I pulled... Eu have a better chance in life than me... So I want eu to grab it... With or without me... I'll be fine... As always... I know eu still haven't got around what I've done to eu... Sorie... I suck at feelings... I don't even know what I'm feeling now... But I miss eu... Me and my stupidity... Me and my anger... Me and my problems... Eu have eur problems too... I hope eu get to solve them... Don't ever be like me... I'm just a nobody... With nothing to hold on to in lives.. Be a good girl ok... Don't show eur body to anyone... No bikinis... Don't smoke... Don't party... Be the nerdy lame girl eu are.... Be a good Muslim.... I'm sorie for all I've done that hurts eu... I'm just.... This and everything... sorie I can't text eu or say all this to eu... Sorie that eu have to read this from a blog... I can't find the words when I'm talking or texting eu... Eu have taught me alot of stuffs.... I'm waiting.... But the insecurities are like a knife stuck in my windpipe... I can't breathe.... I guess eu can't love me the same anymore.... Not after this... I'm sorie that I've broke eur trust in me... I just... I... It's ok if eu can't accept me... I understand... Even I won't accept me... Even I hate me.... I really want eu to be happy... doesen't matter with who... Eu've gave me love... And I thank eu for it.... I'm sorie but if we are not together.... Than I can't be friends with eu for a while... I'm still hoping... But I... This sucks big time... Sorie... I guess I knew how eu felt when eu say that eu feel that we have separated... Guess this is the last time I will visit this blog... I'm so stupid... Why did I ever let eu go in the first place?... Yes it was to clear my mind and I need the space... But by giving me space, eu felt that I'm dragging eu around... And I'm sorie... I have never felt like this... To miss someone so much that it clearly kills eu from the inside... How dumb can I be?... Letting eu go... But I really was hoping that eu come and save me...I guess.... I don't know how eu felt back then... But now that I do... I understand all the words eu say that day... I'm sorie that I've killed eu inside... It was never my intentions... I'm sorie.... I know eu can't do this now and eu still need time... I don't want to hurt eu again like this... But the distance betweens us is growing... I know eu don't feel the same... I... Thank eu for everything bi.... Thank eu... Guess I... =) <3

She's sleeping... And he's here.... he know she is asking for time... But the uncertainty is just..... It was his fault to begin with... He know that much.... But what he fail to see is.... Nvm.... It's over... He can't take anything back.... Now he's just withering away from his own mistake... Something which was not meant to be done... She look so happy... Happier than when she was with him... It's as if she was free... While he was caught up in his own shadows... The same shadows that once rule his past is now trying to suck him back in... He is strong.... Just not strong enough like her... She, who was his world now lost due to his shadows of darkness... He, himself let her go... But to deal with his own evil, he needs to be alone... For he does not wish the shadows to get to her... It's just something he have to do it alone... He's hoping for something now... Not much but just a little light to shine his way... He knows that no one can fully understand his character... So a little light is all he ask for... With or without.... He just needs to know... he just want something.... Anything.... But not nothing.... Whatever it is... It's important to him.... His actions doesen't always justified his reason... But he knows he's right... When the time comes, he will show the worldl what he is capable of... In the mean time all he can do is hope.... A second chance is all he needs... For his love for her is and has always been pure and true.....

A chance is all he need.... He is lost... Lost in a world where everything he do is never enough... In a place so bright and shiny with hope, yet all those things are just a mirage to him... Until he met a girl who is very childish, strong headed but fair in her own ways. He was baffled by this girl who find joy in the slightest things. So he decided to poke around until he gets it but there was nothing. He couldn't find an answer to her joy. He, who was never surprised, never baffled and never happy, was caught off guard by the girl. The girl took little care for who he was and never showed excitement when he told her who he was. Now, this really puzzled the boy. So the boy took an interest in her and chatted with her till the cows come home. Every day they chat and she was the only thing he look forward to. When they finally met, the boy knew she was the one and straight away without hesitation he ask her to be his. The girl agrees and the boy was overjoyed. The girl has spark something inside him which was long gone... Something which he have forgotten.. He, the boy, has forgotten how to love and be loved. The girl brought that back to him and for that, the boy was very very thankfull. They are together happily for two years and eight months until the boy began to change slowly... He began to pull himself away from her... Slowly but surely he was fading back into the darkness of his heart.. All his problems have become too much for him.. It's burdening him. He could no longer carry her or anyone else so at least he thought. So he began to withdrew himself from everyone. The girl knew that something was wrong but the boy just wouldn't tell her. How could he told her, the girl he loves truly that she was part of the problem.. The last thing he wants was for the girl to think that she was adding to his burden... To him, the girl was special. Her smile can brighten up his day, a call receive from her was very warming to his heart. This is the things that the boy never told the girl because he didn't knew how to express his feelings... Then one day the boy finally broke... When he was broken, he waited for the girl to come and fix him up... But the girl didn't come... Little did the boy knew that the girl was waiting for the boy to come and save things but how could he come.. He was broken from all the weights he was carrying... So they separated... A week has passed and they boy was finally fixed. He knew he had to fixed himself up fast in order to not lose her... So the boy decided to check up on her and see how she was coping... To his surprised, the girl was messed up and she was everywhere... In a week the girl tried a lot of things... Tho the boy don't know what was on her mind when she did those stuff, he was sure that she was hurt badly inside of her even tho she looks swell on the surface... The boy then pick up his phone and gave her a call... He told her what he wanted to say... And now it's all on her... The boy knew that whatever answer she gave, he has to respect it because it was him who let her go... now, the boy patiently wait for an answer... The answer that will determine his next step in the game of life...

I guess I've been mixing in with the wrong crowd.